Holding pattern in Chaos....
There are so many things out of control in my life... I don't have any one thing I can hang onto for sure. Chaos is ruling my life right now, and I hate that.
My relationship with R... I want it to work, yet I've been there before, and after a few months I get tired of making excuses in my head for all the irresponsible things about him that get on my nerves, and I start to think about leaving again...
(Hawke, in the middle of the night Saturday night, left an off line message for me, just saying "You there?"... No doubt he would have told me to drop what I was doing and come to the farm, although that is the first time he has tried to contact me since Father's Day... I felt that old familiar pang in the center of my chest when I saw that message.)
My job... I know that no job is perfect, everyone has problems, and I love the job itself (it's a great workout, actually) but getting less than no respect from my manager (newsflash: the company hasn't officially made her manager yet, and rumor has it they are not satisfied enough with her job performance to give her the title) working my ass off for the same pay that *that girl* in the morning gets for standing there doing nothing but running the register. The biggest thing, is that the insurance in unbelievably great... And with two kids, I need that... So I stay... BUT, I also have this part time job I am trying to get... Do I really want to add 20+ hours per week to my already 40+ hour schedule?? I could always use the money,.. But what kind of stress is that going to put on my relationship with R since the second job will be working the nights that I am not working at my main job???
Beliefs... Most people can tell you what they believe. I can tell you lots of things that I think sound plausible... But I am not sure if anything sounds concrete to me. I was raised in the Methodist Church, and I know that I am NOT a Methodist. I have spent time in the First Christian Disciples of Christ denomination, and felt a lack of teaching, nothing spiritual was happening there... I know that I do believe in God, and Jesus... But the Pagan and the Buddhist religion also seem to strike a chord with me...
I am 37 years old... Is there ever a time when I will know who I am?????
My relationship with R... I want it to work, yet I've been there before, and after a few months I get tired of making excuses in my head for all the irresponsible things about him that get on my nerves, and I start to think about leaving again...
(Hawke, in the middle of the night Saturday night, left an off line message for me, just saying "You there?"... No doubt he would have told me to drop what I was doing and come to the farm, although that is the first time he has tried to contact me since Father's Day... I felt that old familiar pang in the center of my chest when I saw that message.)
My job... I know that no job is perfect, everyone has problems, and I love the job itself (it's a great workout, actually) but getting less than no respect from my manager (newsflash: the company hasn't officially made her manager yet, and rumor has it they are not satisfied enough with her job performance to give her the title) working my ass off for the same pay that *that girl* in the morning gets for standing there doing nothing but running the register. The biggest thing, is that the insurance in unbelievably great... And with two kids, I need that... So I stay... BUT, I also have this part time job I am trying to get... Do I really want to add 20+ hours per week to my already 40+ hour schedule?? I could always use the money,.. But what kind of stress is that going to put on my relationship with R since the second job will be working the nights that I am not working at my main job???
Beliefs... Most people can tell you what they believe. I can tell you lots of things that I think sound plausible... But I am not sure if anything sounds concrete to me. I was raised in the Methodist Church, and I know that I am NOT a Methodist. I have spent time in the First Christian Disciples of Christ denomination, and felt a lack of teaching, nothing spiritual was happening there... I know that I do believe in God, and Jesus... But the Pagan and the Buddhist religion also seem to strike a chord with me...
I am 37 years old... Is there ever a time when I will know who I am?????
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